I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
