I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize