I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
