He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
