you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
