My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
