Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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