dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
