i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
