3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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