Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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