Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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