I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
