I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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