Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
