I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
