I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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