you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
