Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
