but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
