i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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