goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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