as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
