Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
