was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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