I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize