Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
