The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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