Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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