i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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