and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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