he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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