I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
