his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Never joke about your clitoris.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
