smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
