I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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