You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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