I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
