There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
