He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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