I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
