my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
