How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
