So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
