I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
