You're a womanizer and a bitch.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize