Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
