i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize