Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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