I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
