Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
