Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
