She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
