I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
