I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
