As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
