I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
