I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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