matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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