i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
