Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
