You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Say something about gay babies.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
