I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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